adrenaline rush

insomnia, i think. i've been busy rearranging and moving furniture around since i got back from s.c. i've yet to shower from the hiking and climbing over rocks earlier today. perhaps finding out soon after i got home that my ear protocol class is canceled tomorrow inadvertently energized me. it actually would be nice to have some company other than a meowing cat wanting my attention. sigh. the unraveling of my apartment continues. . .

denouement

i never thought i'd turn to blogging as one would to a therapist, albeit formless and insentient. i kept diaries and sketchbooks since gradeschool. i think that's what kept me from going to bedlam. i still fill 50% of my sketchbooks with emotional outpourings and arbitrary thought. i think the notion that some anonymous person could read my miscellany and react, empathize or whatever is curiously appealing, yet not necessarily comforting. even if i write to nothingness, to no one but this black hole of the Web.
i shed some tears en route to santa cruz. the rest of the way my eyes burned immensely. random flashback clicked in and out; my brain was a self-acting view-master. i decompressed on boulders along the ocean for a couple of hours and marveled at the marine life:

pettable sea grass! i thought of those punk wigs.


large starfish in the tidepool

the final resting location was at the pfeiffer state park by a large redwood along a creek that carried water from pfeiffer falls. i was fascinated by how so many of the giant redwoods have a cave-like entry at the base of their trunks. it was a rather numbing experience. i felt in a daze, in part from having an occipital headache and carsickness. the intangible and ineffable are surreal.

see you in my dreams

in less than 12 hours i will be on my way south toward santa cruz. after 8 months i am finally relinquishing my hold on my mother's remains, so that she can be reunited with her 2nd half. after consulting with a couple of friends, we decided on julia pfeiffer beach at big sur. anne is meeting me in santa cruz, then spending a weekend in the bay area to research her latest business venture. although i don't pray or acknowledge my mom daily, it's been strangely comforting having her around, so to speak. at times i think, would it matter if i kept a small ampoule of ashes? it is tempting. but her wish was to have us disperse all, to have no physical attachements. it was her wish to have the other half sprinkled among the trees, up high by the sea betwixt anne and me. it would be selfish if i were to revoke my promise. perhaps seeing the dust getting absorbed by the trees and earth would be cathartic and provide a closure––
a sure release of the heart.

the greenest state

i just got back from a pleasant roadtrip to southern and coastal oregon. we drove through the cascades, hiked, camped and enjoyed nature. here are some pictures:


campfire the first night, emigrant lake


20-30 feet of SNOW at Crater Lake. i've never seen this much snow in my life. we were practically in a snow blizzard! despite not being able to see the lake due to snow, it was still so beautiful, so white!


some 200 plus steller sea lions basking in the sun. we got to take an elevator down into a huge cave where these sea lions breed and hang out. the sea lion caves is located near florence, oregon.