delicate decay

the end is near

2006-12-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

like all things ephemeral, so is this blog.
there must be a better way to archive than having to highlight, apple C, then apple V into word, then eventually inDesign.
seeing that my last post was over 3 months ago, the time has come to inflict permanent decay unto this online diary of mine. while copying and pasting, i scanned some of my old posts. i don't regret starting this blog. i like to remember my thoughts; understanding that i have selective memory, they are nice reminders of past events. i think that's why i kept diaries the moment i learned english. sadly, nearly all of my written records perished. anything preceding age 18 now conjures up a black hole in my brain's memory center. from age 18 until the inception of this blog, i've been a spotty documentarian. bits and pieces of my 'legally adult' life are strewn about in my sketchbooks. since i started this blog 2 years ago, i've been an irresponsible sketchbooker.
it's back to the sketchbook diary.

i need a new nose

2006-09-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

another long lag in blogging. this is in part due to lack of inspiration and also being so damn busy in the last month with work. i'm tired of drawing ultra dumbed-down hearts with mega defects that require multiple surgical corrections, like hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS). being in patient education can be frustrating that way.
it's been a very low-key long weekend. i opted to do pretty much nothing. i feel like i'm still recovering from the last couple weeks of hell. plus, today something in the air triggered a massive histamine respone in my immune system. i've taken claritin, 2 ibuprofens, 2 benadryls (which knocked me out cold for 2 hours), and used nasal spray. i'm still stuffed up with drippy, watery snot in abundance.
celluoid watch:
me and you and everyone we know | a surprisingly wonderful film with quirky characters. even with its common themes of lonliness and happiness in life, it was really appealing and well-done.
strangers with candy | amy sedaris is odd (looking) and hilarious
little miss sunshine | i loved it- another dysfunctional family story. it featured music by devotchka (we saw them recently. it was the BEST show i've seen this past year)
inside deep throat | rather educational and should be in history books. actual porn clips, too.
milwaukee, minnesota | * * * (outta 5)
Iedereen beroemd! (everybody's famous) | * * * 1/2. we mimicked the singing of "lucky manuelo" for days.

Laetiporus sulphureus (sulfur shelf)

2006-07-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

while searching for food in the sequoia national park, we spotted these beautiful, vibrant tree fungi thriving on remains of a fallen tree. if only we had known these 'shrooms were edible and taste like lemony chicken. that's why the fungus is also called as "chicken of the woods."

ragpicking

2006-07-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

i love flea markets. egad, so does my capt kirk. we've scored some lovely finds at the various local flea markets. my sister and i have been scouring flea markets with my dad since school age. i don't think my mom liked to rummage through all that junk much. my dad loved good finds, antiques, tools, and just seeing the crazy shit folks are selling. after immigrating to houston, most of our pet pigeons came from the downtown flea market. therein lies my predilection for bric-a-bracs and old things. conveniently, my apartment is a 5-minutes drive to the alemany flea market (SF's best!). this sunday we bought an awesome accordion of italian origin. from the inscription by a previous owner, we know it is at least 37 years old. i also finally got my first couch ever, since moving out in 1993. it's a cute little old thing. even if i do find bedbugs, as a paranoid friend suggested, the $15 loss won't hurt my wallet much.

the lovely borshelli accordion of castelfidardo, italy

while researching the origins of flea markets, i encountered some citing no know origin. other sources indicate that secondhand sellers started to flourish in the large markets of fledging cities from the middle ages thru the 18th century. they were sometimes called as "ragpickers." one of the world's first and largest flea markets is the Saint-Quen in paris. the term "flea" may have come from the flea-infested sofas and other used furniture sold at these secondhand markets. well, if my cat (who seems to like the new sofa a lot) starts scratching madly, i shouldn't be surprised!

adrenaline rush

2006-06-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

insomnia, i think. i've been busy rearranging and moving furniture around since i got back from s.c. i've yet to shower from the hiking and climbing over rocks earlier today. perhaps finding out soon after i got home that my ear protocol class is canceled tomorrow inadvertently energized me. it actually would be nice to have some company other than a meowing cat wanting my attention. sigh. the unraveling of my apartment continues. . .

denouement

2006-06-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

i never thought i'd turn to blogging as one would to a therapist, albeit formless and insentient. i kept diaries and sketchbooks since gradeschool. i think that's what kept me from going to bedlam. i still fill 50% of my sketchbooks with emotional outpourings and arbitrary thought. i think the notion that some anonymous person could read my miscellany and react, empathize or whatever is curiously appealing, yet not necessarily comforting. even if i write to nothingness, to no one but this black hole of the Web.
i shed some tears en route to santa cruz. the rest of the way my eyes burned immensely. random flashback clicked in and out; my brain was a self-acting view-master. i decompressed on boulders along the ocean for a couple of hours and marveled at the marine life:

pettable sea grass! i thought of those punk wigs.

large starfish in the tidepool

the final resting location was at the pfeiffer state park by a large redwood along a creek that carried water from pfeiffer falls. i was fascinated by how so many of the giant redwoods have a cave-like entry at the base of their trunks. it was a rather numbing experience. i felt in a daze, in part from having an occipital headache and carsickness. the intangible and ineffable are surreal.

see you in my dreams

2006-06-15T02:04:00.000-07:00

in less than 12 hours i will be on my way south toward santa cruz. after 8 months i am finally relinquishing my hold on my mother's remains, so that she can be reunited with her 2nd half. after consulting with a couple of friends, we decided on julia pfeiffer beach at big sur. anne is meeting me in santa cruz, then spending a weekend in the bay area to research her latest business venture. although i don't pray or acknowledge my mom daily, it's been strangely comforting having her around, so to speak. at times i think, would it matter if i kept a small ampoule of ashes? it is tempting. but her wish was to have us disperse all, to have no physical attachements. it was her wish to have the other half sprinkled among the trees, up high by the sea betwixt anne and me. it would be selfish if i were to revoke my promise. perhaps seeing the dust getting absorbed by the trees and earth would be cathartic and provide a closure––
a sure release of the heart.

the greenest state

2006-06-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

i just got back from a pleasant roadtrip to southern and coastal oregon. we drove through the cascades, hiked, camped and enjoyed nature. here are some pictures:

campfire the first night, emigrant lake

20-30 feet of SNOW at Crater Lake. i've never seen this much snow in my life. we were practically in a snow blizzard! despite not being able to see the lake due to snow, it was still so beautiful, so white!

some 200 plus steller sea lions basking in the sun. we got to take an elevator down into a huge cave where these sea lions breed and hang out. the sea lion caves is located near florence, oregon.

i [heart] skulls

2006-05-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

cool skull hairpins i got for me barfday

another discursive entry

2006-05-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

mother's day came and gone. my birth mother's absence is still quite raw. subconsciously, maybe that explains why i checked out a book called How I Learned To Cook (& other writings on complex mother-daughter relationships) last week at the libary. i love the libary–even the tiny, musty bernal heights branch. on the other hand, this is something i'd read anyway, and it just happened to catch my eye.
over breakfast on april 28th, the day of my departure from taipei, my dad courageously gave us a little talk. he's a man of few words, and when those words come out they are chosen carefully and meaningfully. i liked our long breakfasts at the hotel. we noshed slowly and chatted. he acknowledged with empathy anne and i's tumultuous last few years, followed by 3 deaths in the last 9 months. he gave examples of inequality/favoritism exhibited by my uncles against their children. dad ensures us that he tries to make everything equal for anne and i, and if we ever think he's being unjust to speak up. the truth is nothing can be 50/50 but they try to get close. then. . [translated] now, the closest family you have is just me and ah-yi (my stepmom). if i happen to die first, then ah-yi will be your closest family. make sure you don't leave her out, and you can talk to her about anything. ah-yi will divide everything equally. we've already discussed things and made plans in case. and if ah-yi passes away first, then i will do the same. [the conversation was making me really sad. i was actually surprised at my dad's improved communication skills. yes, this is reality though. we have to talk about things like this sooner or later. death can be so unpredictable. dad mistakenly assumed that he'd go first, but ah-yi interrupted and said you never know. .she might go first. look at grandma. .who would have suspected!] point taken.
there were a lot of things my parents would never talk about. my mom (and dad too) carried a heavy onus around, which i think she tried to shed through meditation. i wish i had known what it contained. one of the stories i read in the How I Learned to Cook said: "My parents taught my sister and me how to keep things hidden in silence. . . During the stable periods my parents got along, my sister and I got involved with school, with our friends, with life in general. But it's the silence that kills you; it muffles, suffocates, and distorts your confusion and pain." thought the story dealt with the domestic violence against the author's mother, much of the emotional cycles and circumstances fit. silence characterized my teens.
by the time i thought i was starting to understand my mother and why she did the things she did, it was already too late. i wish i had asked more detailed questions and relieved some of the burden she took with her. with death, new relationships open up with the remaining close family members. i think my dad was partly trying to articulate this. maybe he also fears being shut out by our grieving. it was a way to reach out to us and let us know what we can be cohesive again.
i don't know what this all means, but it makes my mind churn. and i like to think and churn, even if it keeps me up at night.

bar

2006-05-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

muerte, part II

2006-05-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

since, grandma requested a cremation, we actually got to view her body a few times during the complicated ceremonies. her casket was behind the altar, hidden from attendees. i felt bad for the elders, like my dad, who had to kneel and prostrate twice as much as the young 'uns. he's got compressed disks and that eccentric coronary artery stenosis. for me the greatest tear-jerker was seeing how devoted my grandma's younger brother was. he was unsteady, with an altered gait and suffered from parkinson's. yet he still tried to kneel at one point. he dutifully paid his respects, and it was so touching. even my father cried, which was hard to see. i think after 2 previous funerals, one being that of my mom's, i became a bit more hardened and resistent. my cousin amber was sobbing. i wonder if they thought me callous for managing to keep tears from leaving my eye socket. i got lacrymose a few times but blinked them away instantly. my mother inured me. we avowed to her not to shed tears at her funeral.
after the rites at the hall, we were off to the crematorium. a huge, old-style limo hearse transported my grandmother. i was envious of those who got to ride in the hearse. i had to yield to the elders anyway. we all carpooled with the funeral people.
the crematorium also had those individual funeral halls. it was a huge facility. after some more praying and words from the monk, we sent grandma off to the oven. we were to wait until the burning was completed, about 2 hours. the most interesting event was the act of delicately placing the charred bony remains into grandma's huge jade urn. the temperature must not be as high as in the US, because there were big chunks of bone. i could even make out a sphenoid. the bone handler separated the pieces from feet to head. we all took turns using giant chopsticks to place a lower limb bone into the urn. then the handler carefully placed the rest, ending with the calverium. there was no ash. he even studied the skull and noted coral-colored patterns in the skull. this was not a common occurence and means the person had reached a certain level of moral rectitude, so to speak. there's not a perfect word in english, unfortunately. we were even invited to touch the patterns on the pieces of skull.

la muerte #3

2006-05-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

grandma's altar at the funeral hall

i just returned from a 5-day trip to taiwan to attend my grandmother's funeral. my grandfather passed alway just last july. though seemingly healthy for her age, she perished as well. wow, i have no grandparents left. my grandmother's funeral was a bit different from her late husband's buddhist one. she had a taoist-buddhist-taiwan cultural rites mix. it was quite interesting to be involved in it. similar to grandfather's, we all participated in the funeral, had to pray/prostrate all day, and make scheduled trips to the altar for prayer/offerings. the actual day of ceremony lasted from 1pm until 6:30ish. like grandpa's, we had our own decorated "hall" with orchids galore and a lavish altar (see pic above). us participating family members wore the black, graduation-like smocks with a gauze thing specific to your familial ranking pinned to the right shoulder. us grandkids had a rice-colored 2x2 square. we also had to wear this gauze-like ribbon with a coin (unlike last time); it was status-specific. ours was blue. when dye stained my right wrist blue when i sweated or got it wet.

atopos

2006-04-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

for over a year now, there has been an online diary through SFGate (online version of SF Chronicle), written by one of their copy editors who had been diagnosed with a rare cancer. it's called Alicia's Story. i keep up with her diary every so often; she chronicles her battle with cancer, treatment, and her daily life-good and bad. her story is honest and doesnt invite pity but empathy and reflection. i just read her latest entry and felt compeled to finally make a commentary. i can't help getting choked up. the stoic, reticent reputation i built up in my teens and 20s is over. as a primary caretaker for my mom during her cancer ordeal, i know how painful cancers can be, and the emotional rollercoaster one goes through. alicia's mom also died from cancer. i wonder if the feeling of loss will ever go away when a parent dies. i feel particularly emotional because next week would mark 6 months since her passing. it's still so surreal. maybe once anne and i disperse the other half of her remains in june, and i make a trip back to houston soon would bring more closure. sometimes i feel so numb to the loss and that bothers me. i have friends who have lost a parent and know 2 medics at the clinic who have lost their mothers to cancer. i know i'm not alone, and life goes on. . . but it still sucks. i just have to strive for that balance of indifference, melancholy, and happy rememberance; never invite pity or to self-pity.

power of 3

2006-04-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

three has been a significant number historically and culturally. 3 points make a triangle, a shape of a flat pyramid or where the 3rd eye can be found. trigonometry. 3 magis. the pietá (and other triangular works of art). newton's 3 laws of motion. the holy trinity. philosopher Hegel's concept of triads, particularly thesis, antithesis and synthesis. i even came upon a site devoted to 3's called the book of threes. on a lighter note, there are three's company, three stooges and three musketeers.
my grandmother just passed away. my cousin amber called the other day asking if i was going back to taiwan for the funeral rites. she said, 'yeah you know how they say death occurs in threes.' amber cites an example regarding her mom encountering 3 deaths in succession. within 9 months, i have now experienced 3 deaths: grandpa, my mom, and now grandma. now i think back when my maternal grandparents passed away within a year of the other. was there a 3rd i can't recall?
so, i'm off to my 3rd funeral next saturday. what melancholy.
life. death. after-life or (fill-in-blank).

rahhhhhhhh

2006-03-16T10:27:00.000-08:00

a fun, rowdy evening at club waziema (an ethiopian restaurant/bar!) tuesday evening- an unassuming place to have bands play. kemo sabe played as part of city sessions, which hosts acoustic bands once a month.

where hails the hail?

2006-03-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

cool little hail pellets. they look like stuffing in toy animals or tapioca (unlike the golf-sized ones in texas). we've had incessant rain, with alternating light snow in the hills and some hail. plus it's brrrr cold!

the irony

2006-03-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

since volunteering at the clinic, i've learned so many new things about stds, upper resp. infections, harm reduction, drug use, and on and on. i already work in an enviornment where i learn about different pathologies, and i'll stress out briefly over an unprobable self-diagnosis. it's hard not to be paranoid sometimes.
i was assigned to research alcohol for the harm reduction class. i was hoping for something sexier, like hallucinagenics. we all know about alcohol, so i thought. even though i'm sadly allergic, i've witnessed and studied its effects. what i didnt realize is that alcohol in greater amounts and over time affects libido and sexual function! you'd think men and women will perk up and curb their drinking. it's already proven and well-know that smoking can cause erectile dysfunction (among other more greater health risks), but i don't see men throwing out cigarettes in a jiffy. i'm sure we've all seen in small amounts "alcohol can reduce inhibitions and increase sexual desire in both sexes." i wonder if years of drinking just adds up, and now viagara is a top 50 most commonly prescribed drug. it's also Pfizer's #6 top drug.
"In men, alcohol causes impotence through several means. Long-term use of alcohol reduces testosterone levels and increases estrogen levels, which can result in impotence. Short-term use can cause transient (temporary) impotence through alcohol’s sedative effect. Additionally, alcohol can affect the nerves of the penis, causing neurogenic impotence." of course, the same goes for women. despite all this, i still wish i could just hang out and have a beer or 2 on the weekends.

in dreams

2006-02-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

i have had frequent dreams about my mother. i think i mentioned this in a previous entry. most of the time she is healthy; once in a while she would be ill. they can be so realistic, yet eerie. i usually wake up from them feeling frazzled. my friend carin said she had similar dreams after her father passed away years ago, also from cancer. but now, carin says she rarely dreams about him and felt saddened because the dreams were a sort of connection between them. i can relate completely. i got quite worried when my mom didnt enter my dreams for a week. most recently, my sister and my mom were characters in my dreams. i don't remember the setting or events, but at one point i said to my sister "mom died. that's not her. she can't be here because she is dead." then i became slightly conscious and tried to stop the dream. it was really strange. it was like being stuck in the reality and non-reality of a dream. i woke up immediately.

phone etiquette, please

2006-02-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

san bruno bart station. i missed the sf bound train by a hair and wait for another. a heap of train riders just disembarked, and the lazy ones wait for the elevator to come down. the escalator is broken. tsk tsk. alas the elevator doors open and people start to rush in. a chunky girl waddles toward the elevator, on her cell phone, of course. her voice gets louder. soon she's practically shouting. by now most people are inside the box looking uneasy and anxious. the offensive girl enters last. "..what the *#&$. .i told you *#$* expletive expletive expletive. . . " she seems completely unaware. she continues to scream and cuss into the phone. as the door closes to enclose the elevator goers, her voice fades away from my ear. i'm sure the elevator people are wishing they took the stairs.

void

2006-02-07T00:24:00.000-08:00

random chores or visuals on occasion unexpectedly trigger my limbic system. i wonder how long this can last. a lifetime? it's only been a few months since my mother passed away. sometimes i'm still in shock and the reality of it remains abstract. around this time last night i was brushing my teeth. suddenly i recalled and vividly visualized when i had helped my mom brush her teeth during her last weeks. the hospice gave us these disposable "brushes." the apparatus basically consisted of a contoured blue sponge on a thin plastic stick. i remembered trimming the sponges smaller for my mom because they made her feel like gagging.
i'm training to be a volunteer at the berkeley free clinic. if my mom was around, she would love to hear about my weekly classes and i'd be calling her to tell her about my training. stuff like this i can't relate well with my dad or stepmom. though we are close, i only speak with them once or twice a month. whereas, i spoke to my mother at least once a week. nothing will ever fill the specific void that a mother once filled. moms are like proteins that only fit that one receptor. even if you create a synthetic receptor to mimic the original, it's never quite as good.
sometimes i wonder if i was religious and believed that she's watching over me or is in heaven that i'd feel better and be less sad. or if i justified it as 'oh it was her time to go. god needed her.' on the otherhand, that christian notion is just another form of denial. i think i like the buddhist approach-that she achieved nibbana. that makes me less sad.

door crack,
mom's bedroom door

in need of recharging

2006-02-06T00:25:00.000-08:00

this blogging thing is starting to be a drag. i vacillate between wanting to destroy this blog and wanting to keep it going. i hardly write. if i do, much of it isn't very uplifting. i feel stuck--words and political passions aren't mellifluous nor vibrant. the mood strikes to submit an entry, but the moment i bring up blogger the fire dies.

fees suck

2006-01-27T01:35:00.000-08:00

i caved. i bought Belle and Sebastian tickets just a while ago through the price-gouging ticketmaster. on top of the $30 ticket, there is a convenience fee of $7.50 PER ticket. can you believe that?? that's like a 25% tax. obsurd. the only other way to obtain tickets to the show is at the box office of another music venue, The Independent, which operates m-f, 11am-6pm. it's cash only and a $1 charge per ticket. i'd save $13. on tuesday with the help of cary, i scramble to get cash after work and rush there before 6pm. guess what? NO TICKETS, says the girl nonchalantly. what?!? she calls someone. WE'LL GET MORE TOMORROW. she shrugs her shoulders with disinterest. i was irked. other people out of desperation like me will eventually, though grudgingly, shell out that extra 15 bucks. so finally, afraid the show will sell out soon, i did the ticketmaster thing. BAH!

grassy glassy fillmore

2006-01-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

(top picture) kemo sabe plays the fillmore lounge. the hippies and stoners loved them. the aroma of marajuana was omnipresent. i was not particularly fond of the main attraction: railroad earth. cary's friend casey and i were scornfully shushed by a rotund, ardent railroad earth devotee.

F*&#King shit

2006-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

my wallet was pilfered on a crowded 22-fillmore bus this saturday afternoon. i felt suspicious about the man standing close behind me and shifted about. my senses were seconds too slow. by the time i thought i heard velcro being slowly pried open and swung my bad around, my wallet was gone. the thief disembarked. the spot where my wallet sat still held its former shape, now vacant. tachycardia set in. i announced to cary my wallet was gone, stolen. we got off the bus. the guy was no where to be seen. certainly, my story is not unique, but when it happens to you it just really sucks. dread and panic momentarily set in, and you just want to scream WHY ME? WTF!! and other profanities. GRRR

well, it's back to drawing the brain. i have a deadline tomorrow for the parkinson disease booklet. i love to procrastinate.

(NOT MY) new year resolutions

2006-01-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

*the BART fare goes up, yet again- a 3.7% hike to be exact. plus, they've reduced trains going toward SFO/Milbrae (the one i take to work).
*postage rates are increasing effective this sunday. this includes a 2 cent increase on regular 1st class mail to 39 cents and a 1 cent increase on postcards. for people like me who still write letters and postcards via snail mail and refuse to pay certain bills through the internet, this increase is rather irksome.
*the damn government just extended the patriot act for another month, despite the previous block against renewing its wicked provisions by the senate 3 weeks ago. i'm sure the prez will be working furiously this month to try and get this invasive act indoctrinated into law permanently.

random reflections, non sequiturs

2006-01-02T22:36:00.000-08:00

i was hoping for a more favorable start to the new year. unfortunately we've been challenged by inauspicious deluge in the bay area and massive fires in texas and oklahoma. also, a string of bombings greeted the new year in iraq.
my parents' visit last week was met with rain off and on. we spent two nights in napa county at a quiet refuge called mountain home ranch. we couldnt fully enjoy the 300 acre of land and its offerings because of the constant downpours. nonetheless, it's a wonderful place. we also drove though parts of napa and sonoma, which became very flooded this weekend as 2005 came to an end.
i'm not one to every make definitive new year resolutions. i know people who actually make a list or wait for the year's end to stop some bad habit, like smoking or nail biting. i tend to just make mental notes and goals throughout the year, regardless of it being a new year or not.
this year i seemed to notice more personal tragedies, but maybe that's because i am more cognizant of current events nowadays. tragedies occur daily-some greater than others. recently i interviewed at the berkeley free clinic to be trained as a lay medic. one of the questions asked how i dealt with stress and calcamties. i had cited the illness and eventual death of my mother earlier as the most difficult obstacle for me to date. i think i answered that realizing there are other people suffering more than i puts things in perspective. it helps you move on and be less self-piteous. granted, one has the right to grieve; one's experience of a personal tragedy is unique to that individual. still, one has to consider others' suffering, too. i don't think the empty feeling will ever go away. people die daily, and someone will be affected by that death. we will all experience some horrible thing, and hopefully will find a way to not drown ourselves in it.

eve

2005-12-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

my neighbors upstairs are singing gleefully and dancing furiously around their candle-lit christmas tree. the ceiling vibrates. my dad and stepmom are already asleep. it's midnight their time. they arrived today from texas. i was a bit anxious about their visit-a first since my 5 years in san francisco. i fear the criticism or the fear of not meeting their expectations. i think it's important for my folks to see how i live, but it also made me nervous. i'm sure they've been curious as to how i get along, too. luckily, the day went smoothly. for one, it's the first sunny and non-rainy day since last friday. i showed them around my neighborhood bernal heights. they got a better sense of how the housing market is here (my folks have been urging me to buy). we even hiked up most of bernal hill. my poor dad's bones and joints started to ache. i think they appreciated the fact that i lived in a friendly laid-back neighborhood without the fast-paced, raucous stigma given to urban cities like SF. we ran into a neighbor from across the street (who now wants to play scrabble with me!); i knew the coffeeshop baritas; the upstairs people i rent from are super-cool. other than health warnings about living in a dank, ground-floor apartment smelling of cat urine, my parents were quite content with my place and meager posessions. of course i still had to apologize for the lack of couch and tv. i feel bad that i can't accomodate them like my sister (who owns a huge house with 3 tvs and bedrooms with doors; my room has no door). after the simple dinner i threw together, my dad actually commented on how it's not easy for a female like me to relocate to another state alone and make a decent life for herself. you seem to be doing quite well, he was saying. whew!

why do we concede to our pets?

2005-12-24T15:51:00.000-08:00

my new cat lupita likes to share your pillow. (she also enjoys peeing and pooping on the comforter and pillows when you're out, but that's another story.) i rolled right this morning, only to have lupita's back pressed against my right eye. Apparently, she decided to stretch out of her tightly-wound ball. if i had attempted to open my eyelid, hundreds of gray fur would have stabbed my eyeball. there are 2 other pillows on the bed but the cat has to share mine. i don't mind sharing, but lupita ended up with 70% of the pillow and wouldn't budge when i pushed her a bit. oh well, i acquiesced. i'm such a sucker for furry critters, even if this one's soiled n' ruined 2 pillows and a comforter.

skin and fluids

2005-12-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

we had a weekend of rest n' relaxation at harbin hot springs in middletown, ca (a small town some 20 minutes north of calistoga). i felt a bit nostalgic for the natural springs we frequented in taiwan as toddlers. today, geothermal activity from volcanoes formed a few million years ago still continue beneath taiwan. i chose harbin, because it's not frou-frou compared to calistoga and seems most natural. plus, a few friends spoke well of the place. the only drawback for me was the nudity factor. though they say "clothing optional" as if it was fine to go either way or as a warning: you will see naked people, going nude seems the norm at harbin. i felt rather self-conscious having bikini bottoms. cary did see a couple clothed folks in the pool area, but clad ones were the black sheep. it was to my behoof that i couldn't wear my glasses, since they stayed foggy once i was inside the water. for one, i couldnt see well the naked majority or hardly anything at all. (we soaked only after dark). secondly, it made me less self-conscious that i was topless the 1st night and totally naked the 2nd. in spite of my severe myopia i could make out shapes and could tell when there were 2 blobs nearby in intimate embrace. that revelation was further confirmed by hearing lips smacking and sensual whispering. very disgusting. there is a rule against sexual behavior in the pool. both nights there were couples making out heavily. that's my biggest gripe about the mostly pleasant & relaxing harbin experience. also, the surrounding landscape was beautiful and idyllic. the hot pool melted away my tensions. . . .temporarily
within 5 minutes of being back in my apartment all that tension jetted back in the speed of light. my new cat left me a stinky pile of poop and rings of pee on my comforter. one of the 3 pillows was also completely saturated with urine- which soaked through a thin blanket, 2 sheets and finally leaving a half-dollar sized pee ring on the mattress. i just spent $36 laundering that comforter after she peed on it over thanksgiving. now it's nearly all new bedding for me, bioenzyme odor/stain remover for ridding the pee smell, and feliway for the cat.

rita rainbow

2005-12-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

i noticed the blog's been a bit bare. i finally edited some pix i took while in houston. here's a composite of 3, in attempts to capture a full double-arc rainbow (can't see the 2nd arc). hurricane rita was to hit in some 10 hours. luckily she barely even grazed southwest houston. we had more rain a week later from an unrelated thunderstorm.

continuing the leitmotif

2005-12-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

ah, more on death.
we saw A Certain Kind of Death the other day. the image of a body wrapped in plastic lying atop a cold stainless steel table caught my eye instantly, and i had to pick it up the DVD. the documentary reveals what happens when someone dies alone, the process of finding the decedent's next of kin, and the fate of an unclaimed body. Once a dead body is discovered, the coroner's office takes over, and a long process ensues. the film is captivating and raw. it makes you stop and think about life's (in)significance. one of the many figures involved in the case of a deceased is the case worker who goes to the decedent's home to record assests, to look through bill/statements for trust, account info, and unpaid debts, and other clues about the decedent's life. i thought that what an most interesting job! i've always liked looking into people's homes or their rooms to see how people live, what they like. ..you get a different perspective of someone when you see how they live. if i were to die, what would the puzzle pieces in my apartment tell someone about my life? i went through my mom's bills, flipped through files after files, cleaned out her drawers and shelves similarly to what the case worker did for a stranger. what does this say about how we life, about our existence? what was the person doing when he or she died? was is painful? was it lonely?

other good documentaries we saw lately:
The Devil's Playground (chronicles Amish teenagers' lives during Rumspringa)
Dark Days (about the homeless living in NYC railway tunnels)

black hole

2005-12-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

my ability to blog seemed to have hit an impasse. i think i'm fairly self-aware. i don't feel particularly depressed, perhaps more pensive than anything- nothing requiring counseling. my friend shana would think otherwise. she feels everyone could benefit from a few doses of therapy or counseling. surely that can't hurt. for me, the thought of just finding a therapist and making an appointment would incite an anxiety attack.
last weekend the phone rang fairly early. the first thing i thought of was my mom. i always knew she was callling on weekends because it would be before 9am. but of course that's impossible, but how i wished it was. i am wistful for our lengthy and at times, philosophical conversations. yet, some days i can't recall how her voice sounds. death is easy to define and to understand physiologically (from a pedantic facet). at the same time i will never understand death until it's me who is dying. existentially, death is blackness– a total cessation of you, your thoughts, your senses; it is nothingness. i suppose religion steps in to erase the vision of nothingness to something saccharine and immortal.

ambivalence

2005-11-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

although i've been back in san francisco for nearly a week now, i havent the motivation to submit a blog entry. (i am doing this with much self-urge). my passion for blogging seemed to have temporarily fizzled. it has lost lustre and substance.

babble babble (a platitudinous account)

2005-10-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

wow, it's already been nearly a month since my last pithy post. the sardonic Rita came and went, the "cool" front teased us and left.. but i'm still stationed here in houston. my mother forges on with her longanimity.
being on the internet has been difficult. since my dad is in taiwan, anne borrowed his service for us to use at my mom's place yesterday. besides, there is something wrong with his modem at home so the chances of getting on-line there is 1 out of 1,000,000. i can't say i have reacclimated to houston. i feel numb. i'm just doing what any dutiful child would do for her parent. despite being here for quite a while already, i've only finished 2 books. the first one-the evolution of everyday things, though very interesting topic-wise and informative, was a bit too pedantic especially given the current austere atmosphere at home. i was so happy to reach the last page! the book i finished today is dispatches from the muckdog gazette (a mostly affectionate account of a small town's fight to survive). the writer bill kauffman is witty, sarcastic, and has a way with words. he's so good with words i had to compose a vocabulary sheet! after 20+ unknown words or words i used to know but forgot, it starts to get annoying having to stop to notate the questionable word and page number. (adamantine, hokum, eldritch, prandial. . .) i even pride myself on having a decent vocabulary. i am quite the word freak and i've learned some great new words. one of my favorite is OLEAGINOUS. the latter describes many persons in upper managment and in politics. i think i was on dictionary.com for an hour yesterday. (don't forget i'm using a modem, too!)

still awake

2005-09-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

even though my mind is blank

spammers go to hell

2005-09-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

STOP SPAMMING MY BLOG. so fucking annoying. what is up with these companies and people? the moment i post an entry some idiot spams a comment. grrrrrr.

i noticed a spam protection setting through blogger, but unfortunately my dad's chinese windows translates everything! i have no idea where to find it. i'll just have to live with spam until i get on a regular computer.

buzzing or no buzzing

2005-09-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

i am in constant paranoia that a mosquito or two is trying to jab its proboscis into my skin to draw blood. i have at least 12 (and counting) huge, red hot wheals because i'm allergic to these damn insect bites. in addition to not being able to break down ethanol, my body can't seem to properly break down the mosquito saliva proteins. apparently only female mosquitoes bite.
interesting mosquito FAQ's (now i appreciate SF's coldness. 'squitoes are "become lethargic at 60o F and cannot function below 50o F.")

bleary-eyed in houston

2005-09-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

my blogging will be limited for the next month or as long as i am in houston. my mom and dad both use dial-up internet via netzero. one has to be very patient and tolerate ads covering 60% of the monitor. at least it's better than nothing!

anne bought a trashy magazine-cosmo-to keep her distracted. she'd been helping mom out for the last couple weeks. i will be taking over anne's post for the next few days, then we will switch. i just arrived at 6am today (still very sleepy). so instead of reading a serious book, i flipped through cosmo this afternoon. well, according to the beauty dictators thin, arched eyebrows are out! the newly preceived beauty for this season is thicker, less arched brows (insert eyes rolling). this is actually good for me, as my eyebrows have been thick and shapeless for years. i'm finally going to fit in. (ha!) the zine even had "do" and "don't" pix of stars' eyebrows. i'm sure when a couple years ago the beauty experts deemed thin barely-there brows the thing to have, the current "dont's" were the past "do's." freakin' silly. also, cowboy boots are trendy, as are round-toed platforms. i knew those useless extremely pointy eye-sore shoes wouldnt last. looking at cosmo is like leafing through tabloids- pure silly fun and entertainment. well i did learn how to tell if my man was lying to me. yes, i can see why anne purchased this for entertainment in our time of adversity.

how about using money wasted in iraq for Katrina victims?

2005-09-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

in the news, i've been seeing headlines questioning why it's taking the US government so long to aid and relocate the victims of hurricane katrina. how come one on the world's richest countries is asking for aid elsewhere? why has bush been so slow to react (well that's obvious--he's a lout). i don't see why it is such a fucking dilemma to assist these hurricane victims properly. by just cutting one days cost in iraq could save countless of lives in the US!! our government is so fucking delinquent. citing the institute for public policy, the US government spends about 5.6 BILLION dollars a month in iraq. that's about $187million a day. imagine all the food, medical aid, and transportation that money could provide for the people of new orleans (not to mention other social programs). here's is a nice running calculator of the total cost of this fucked up war. the bottom line is, why do we keep interfering with affairs abroad when we can't help our own people? international issues are important but i'll just reiterate that nagging adage: "if you can't help yourself first, then how can you help others?"

disheartened

2005-08-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

all the looting in new orleans . . .where's the humanity? i try to be more optimistic and convince myself that we really are not inherently bad, but we are. it's a fact. that's why we try to be good. .seek religion, volunteerism, meditation. .whatever to quell our temptations. why must people plunder and capitalize on others' misery?

an aside

2005-08-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

on what seems to be the first sunny day in san francisco in the last couple of months i have to work. this entails being indoors, bound to a computer.

this time the wireless connection is working, so i can procrastinte a bit albeit being under immense stress. i can write to gripe about not being able to play. at least i took it easy last night. we watched March of the Penguins. it's an endearing and well-produced documentary. my only criticism (which is just me being too picky) was the slightly sappy narration, particularly that it was a story about "love." i couldnt really see that angle. it's only human to anthropomorphize. ha! cary wasnt bothered by the narration. while searching for the 'official site' i did come upon this interesting article criticizing the anthropomophism. well it seems we can't do or make anything without some criticism or opposition. in short, it's definitely worth $10 to see penguins marching and braving the bitter cold. they're so cute and have such interesting anatomy. i've gone to philip's island (melbourne, australia) to see their penguins. i recall how freezing it was there. i can't imagine what the emperor penguins endure in antarctica!

from sage to scarlet

2005-08-26T04:26:00.000-07:00

i dyed fabric for the first time last night--2 pillowcases. i had intended to be diligent and draw crooked jaws but nagging projects got the best of me. (don't they just come up when you have other more pressing deadlines?) well, i had to stir the hot cauldron for at least 30-60 minutes. STIR CONSTANTLY. i sighed and heed the bold instructions thinking but i have work to do, a HUGE deadline. total dyeing time (including prep, clean-up and, rinsing): 2+hours. i ended up scrubbing the bathtub afterwards for the hell of it, followed by scrabble with maven. . .then i drew jaws and teeth.

i hate when certain fabrics fade and get splotches of orange. the color change ususally occur in the green family. i have several shirts with such color fading phenomenon. i got the sage-colored pillow cases about 7 months ago, and after a month they started to turn orange! is there some weird chemical reaction with my head and the fabric? weird and quite irksome. after all, they were made from "100% Organic Cotton that are both beautiful and Earth-friendly. Muted colors are created with a low eco-impact dye process." (oh, the power of advertising)

flesh and blood

2005-08-25T23:25:00.000-07:00

there were fresh figs in the kitchen at work. after my 4th fig, i thought i should capture its beauty on camera. i've never paid much attention to fresh figs. i always grew up eating them raw. most people probably only know then in newton's form and dont realize how succulent the fresh figs are.

lost in memory

2005-08-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

we saw a japanese film called after life last night. it was not an earth- shattering, must-see film, nor did it contain eye-popping imagery. the film moved slowly and confused me at first. cary started to doze off 30 minutes into the film. (that may not mean much since he is 4 outta 5 for napping during rental movies) .conceptually and intellectually 'after life' did leave an impression on me.
in summary: there exists some sort of lodge where one is received upon dying and stays for exactly one week. a helpful group of dead 'case workers' take on a handful of cases a week. they meet with the recently deceased individually to assess their past life and select one significant memory by day 3. "during that time, they (the dead) must choose the one memory from their life that they want to keep; the rest will all be erased. That memory is then re-created and filmed, and it becomes their constant and sole companion as they pass into the afterlife."

the individual vignettes of people's lives were most interesting. it makes you reflect on your own. we face death the moment we are born; tomorrow could be your last. there was an elderly man who had a "so-so education, so-so marriage, and so-so job." one could say he had a lucky, easy life; yet, he had the most difficult time selecting a memory. his life was so mediocre, as if he endured 70 years with eyes closed. his life events would graph flat, a horizontal line with no points on the Y-axis. (you can rent the movie to find out what he picks). we all fear mediocrity dont we? personally, i would have a hard time deciding, too, and even refuse to choose. those who refuse or cannot decide become a caseworker and don't move on. for one, i have almost no recollection of my childhood nor enough details of a significant event to have it recreated. "selective memory," my sister says. second, how can you pick one memory alone? i wouldnt want to have my memory- though faulty- erased. memory validates your existence and makes you you; what you recall is what you believe to be true. that, yes, i have met the dalai lama; i climbed 486 steps of the duomo in florence; i know all the 2-letter words. but if i had to decide a memory what will it be? what would my mom pick? what would you pick?

clumsy mundane

2005-08-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

seal skull and vertebra soaking in bleach water
we found parts of a seal skeleton along the beach many weeks ago. the skull still had some soft tissue attachments. since the sun has been so evasive this month, these bones have not been properly disinfected. so now, this is the fate of this poor seal. what does mine bring? what will become of me? i am stuck in an elevator between floors, not being able to get off and advance. i'm not even odd enough to be in a jar at the mütter museum.

an op/ed attempt

2005-08-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

i know this is callous of me. . .
alas, the israeli military is pulling out of gaza and kicking out the israeli settlers in the strip. i admit i have little symapathy for these israelis forced to relocate. yes, some have been living there for 10 years or more, but these are illegal settlements. their wealthy government should cut some of their military weapons budget to compensate these people properly, rather than asking the US for financial help. instead of acting out of anger and using violence, these israelis settlers should stop their whining and protesting to empathize with the poor palestinians who have had their homes bulldozed, oftentimes without much warning, to make way for luxurious israeli housing and strip malls. what about those palestinians who have lived in their modest homes for generations? they are constantly getting forced out into refugee camps with NO compensation. they are refugees in their own land, without much freedom to move or do business due to all these strict military checkpoints and curfews. palestinian children get shot at for tossing stones or objects at israeli military. well, i don't see any egg-tossing, lightbulb-throwing israelis getting shot at as they wield their weapons at the soldiers evacuating them. meanwhile, throughout the years the palestinians have seen significant economic decay, rising unemployment (up to 65% in gaza strip) as they are prevented from running their business or going to work, and immense poverty. the statistics. so, out of desperation, suicide bombers escalate, the israeli beef up military and kill more children, then more bombings, and the cycle continues.

i'm glad the israelis are pulling out of the gaza strip but i'm also very suspicious. the israeli government is not trustworthy. something will come down.

not just scooters

2005-08-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

taiwan still has a large number of bike riders-way more than in san francisco. i was happy to see so many bicyclists amongst the weaving scooters, testy motorists, and bellicose cabbies. most rode old-school fixed gear models.

death becomes us

2005-08-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

grandpa's funeral service was on tuesday august 9. we participated in other pre-funeral rites before the actual service. this was my first exposure to the customs and taboos characteristic of a taiwanese-buddhist funeral. i could write a small booklet on my experience. in short, we had pre-burial ceremonies at home at grandpa's altar, an official ceremony with family, guests, musicians, and monks at a customized funeral hall, a burial ceremony at the gravesite, and then a trip to the patron buddhist temple to place placard for grandpa. the immediate family are actually in the funeral, as one is in a wedding. after 7 years, grandpa's remains will be exhumed, put in an urn, and then placed at our little mountain with our other ancestors.

the funeral did leave me rather pensive. i couldn't help thinking about the imminence of my mother's fate. i'm not ready for her to leave yet. seeing all the preparation needed for the funeral and the stress of my parents and immediate family, i become overwhelmed. certainly eventually we all die, some sooner some later. ah-yi mentioned she was getting her tender and lumpy thyroid checked out. i just hope i don't have to participate in another funeral for another decade or more. it's very difficult when you witness your parents aging or their deteriorating health.

fruits

2005-08-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

anne and i wolfing down "sugar apple" at 7am
i'm back from taipei- a bit worn out and sleepy. i miss the stinky tofu and fruits already. i just searched google for english names of some of the fruit i ate. all these years i've only known the taiwanese names. some stuff i ate:
-shek-kia, scientific name Annona squamosa, aka "sugar apple": the taiwanese name is synonymous to the Sakyamuni buddha, because the fruit resembles the head of Sakyamuni
-lem-bu, aka wax apple: it is not like an apple. the shek-kia has nothing at all in common with an apple. who coins these common english names???
-guava, "bahla" in taiwanese: i prefer the soft, mushy variety to the crunchy. i notice the soft one is commonly called "apple guava" (WTF? none of these fruits i mentioned are in the same scientific order or class as apples)
-lóngyǎn, aka longan: luckily i tasted fresh ones; otherwise, the fruit is typically dried and used to sweeten other desserts
-passion fruit: we all know this fruit
-giant asian peach the peach symbolizes long life, thus there were lots of peach offerings at grandpa's altar
-dragon fruit, "pitaya" according to wikipedia.org: they are prettier to look at than to eat

ackｃｈｉｎｅｓｅkeyboard

2005-08-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

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from taipei government bldg

2005-08-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

the government administration building in nei hu（ａdistrict of taipei) is very customer friendly! thanks to the current taiwan president chen shui bian, former mayor of taipei, government offices are no longer known for their cold, unfriendly service. now, the counters are low, the workers friendly and helpful, and the service more efficient. there are comfy chairs for people to wait in, magazines and periodicals, massage sticks, free tea, and 2 free computers with internet access! i am on one of them and anne on the other. my dad wanted us to process some paperwork. we are done with our stuff, and wait for him to take care of his and grandma's.
nei hou is outside of taipei central, a mere 25 minute bus ride from our hotel in taipei. much of the kuo family grew up here. now it's another commercial, technological municipality. the original house my dad grew up in had long been torn down to make space for a 8-plex housing unit. our "mountain" is still here. that's where our ancestors are buried. it looks just like a tropical rainforest. i imagine much of taiwan was this way. mountains abound. thankfully, the current government is pro-preservation. they no longer want to take our mountain away to make way for more highrise buildings but probably a park in the future. the climate is very tropical. the air is thick and hot. that i do not enjoy. i realize packing light was not a good choice. i can't wear the same socks 2 days in a row. luckily, ah-yi did some of my laundry. clothing is cheap here but i don't have time to shop. the other day amber and i did go to a clothing store. i tried on this cute dress but it was too tight in the chest, and my shoulders were too broad. a size up would fit too loosely around the waist. grrrr. i forgot about this problem here.
i think i should relinquish this computer to someone else. i've been such a hog.

one more thing. . .the food and fruits are mouthwatering. i wish i could smuggle fruit back. mmmmm.

pulp

2005-08-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

since Desiboy commented on a book recommendation, i decided to include a few good books i've read in the last few months. i've been on a nonfiction reading spree.

in order of preference, the best being first (all worth reading though, but if ya don't read much . . .)
Ama Adhe, the Voice that Remembers: The Heroic Story of a Woman's Fight to Free Tibet, by Ama Adhe & Joy Blakeslee (translator)
Blood: An Epic History of Medicine and Commerce, by Douglass Starr
Time, Love, Memory: A great biologist and his quest for the origins of behavior, by Jonathan Weiner
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America, by Bill Bryson (thanks cary!)

KS strikes again

2005-08-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

among stars

2005-08-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

yipee!! i got to meet gunther von hagens (body world's guy) and phoebe gloeckner! both were key highlights used by the AMI to persuade people to attend the costly conference.
well, okay, i didnt officially meet the former. i was too scared to ask questions and to run up after the lecture to get an autograph. von hagens' lecture was set up in a large gymnasium with lots of attendees and a busy queue afterwards of curious medical illustrators demanding answers. von hagens and his travel companion even attended our dinner at the Reagan presidential library! we all pointed, ooohed and ahhhed.
every time i have a question for a lecturer, i replay it over and over in my head so i won't jumble or mumble my words; then, i get really apprehensive and tachycardic. 95% of the time i never ask my burning questions. i'm one of those who would prefer to search through texts for hours to find an answer than to ask the professor a question. i did step out of my usual diffident role when phoebe spoke. i was first to ask a question, too, and ended up asking 2 other follow-up ones. (yes, i'm gloating). well she solicited questions and for many seconds noone spoke up. too scared or shocked by her slides maybe? so, i hesitantly raised my arm halfway in the dark room. dave reflected later, "i doubt anyone in the AMI history has ever shown a medical illustration of fallatio in cross-section view at a meeting." yeah, nor will anyone show sid vicious, the cramps and discuss the punk scene. that's what made phoebe's talk even more awesome. i could also comment for pages on what her current project entails. here's a link.

a pernicious, spreading evil

2005-08-01T09:57:00.000-07:00

cancer is such a bizarre beast. before i left for thousand oaks, mom was tiredly relating her immense cancer pain. throughout her entire illness she's suffered a tremendous about of pain, one that cannot be alleviated with morphine and other strong opiates. mom has a higher pain tolerance than most, too, and she doesnt complain much. for her to tell me her pain lately has been so severe, inducing her to vomit. the worst pain i've endured is alcohol-intolerance stomach pain from hell. i imagine that to the 10th power is what my mom must be experiencing. it makes you feel so powerless and even guilty. it's so unfair. if i believed in karma like my mom then i can't fathom what i'd be enduring in years to come. i've accumulated a tonne of negative karma from all my adolescent misdeeds. my mom's few friends with metastatic breast cancer have experienced little to no pain. mom's dad had lung cancer for a while before it was detected. he didnt experience pain until it was fatal. according to MD Anderson (the #1 cancer hospital in the nation): "About one-third of patients being treated for cancer have pain, and each patient’s pain is unique." my mother falls in the minority once again.
if we had money and was able to get her treated at MD anderson, i wonder if she'd be in a better state of recovery today. i don't doubt her doctors have given the best for what is available but the individual care is just not there. of all the unequal things in this world, healthcare should not be one of them. people should not be discriminated because of their status in society. but of course, we all know my statement is just an imaginary ideal never to be achieved. no one wants to admit but most people value certain lives over others. jefferson's famous adage 'all men are all created equal'** should be amended with footnotes of expections (**if you are poor, gay, a minority, have a mental disability, not christian...etc you are not truly equal under our constitution). the bible itself does not teach equality of men. because you are a poor mexican or asian you're life is more expendable than the CEO hiring you to make clothes for $1 a day. oops. i digress. this is now a totally different discussion. everything is circular; it all comes back to something else. how do i escape?

destination: coporate monopoly

2005-08-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

i attended the 60th annual association of medical illustrators (AMI) meeting at cal lutheran uni (CLU) this weekend.
strip mall after strip mall and mountains, too, set the horizon east of 101 South toward los angeles. to the west you see the picturesque pacific coastline. i was hoping to see mostly untainted little towns like guerneville but was struck in the face with cookie cutter shopping centers and outlet malls. sad. thousand oaks, home of CLU, was the same. despite bragging about its 10,000 plus acres of open public space and being at the foot of the santa monica mountains, the city is not distinguishable from other "master-planned" american cities. my hotel was totally hidden and circumvented by multiple strip malls. at least there was a bike lane. i am grateful for that! (except there were no street lights and i biked in total darkness).

turning it on

2005-07-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

...the lee maverick band (cary, lee, tom, ezra) welcome runners with gusto at wharf to wharf 2005 in santa cruz. this was made possible by their special permit and charm.

another kick-ass show

2005-07-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

reflections

2005-07-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

a 30s japanese couple boarded BART toward SFO. the man dragged in the heavy suitacase, looking very stoic and slightly peeved. they eye my bike and look around. "there is a 12 minute delay between daly city and the airport. . ." the train stalls before reaching daly city. we are enshrouded by the morning fog. the woman excitedly pulls out her camera to take pictures. the man looks even more stoic and his eyes follow his wife to the window briefly. her nifty japanese digital camera makes sound effects. *klink*klink*she snaps a few throught the thick windows, pauses then goes to the opposite window. i imagine throughout their vacation the man must have remained rigid as a light pole while she danced around lithely with the camera.
the typical passionless asian couple. at least the man didnt bark at his wife. my uncle mark would've done that. i've always marveled at how couples like that court each other. nowadays you don't see as many younger frigid asian couples, but those of my parents' generation are 99 in 100. (no hard facts, just a hunch).
from the outside, when i see couple like that i wonder if they are "happy." i would not be but then people have different goals and expectations. my dad and his wife converse, play jokes on each other, shower together sometimes, travel together...they have affections. my uncle mark and aunt shirley bark at each other, travel separately, don't share hobbies and never show public affection.

i just came upon an interesting new book The Myth of Marriage by Monica Mehta.

Actias luna

2005-07-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

my interest in luna moths peaked after reading michael chabon's The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay where the 2 protagonists create a comic book character Luna Moth (aside: there's now a comic based on the comic series created by the protagonists Kavalier and Clay of the aforementioned book. i don't if it's is any good; i flipped through it at the comic bookstore 6 months ago. the book, however, is an adventure to read–-ingenious and fun!)
anyway, i just received a luna moth! sadly, these gorgeous creatures only mate and reproduce as adults, then die. they don't feed and can't (no mouths). they reside in the deciduous hardwood forests in north america and mexico. here's a good site with more info and pictures.
in general the life cycle of the entire order Lepidoptera (moths and butterflies) is so fascinating! from what many consider gross and pesky larvae/caterpillars to odd-shaped pupae or chrysalises, they eventually emerge into winged creatures. most are beautiful and colorful. (i can't say much for those brown moths that my cat likes to chase). oh, skippers are in the order Lepidoptera, too, but i don't know what they are. anyone?

resistance

2005-07-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

the last time i visited my sister she handed me a book to read Ama Adhe, the Voice That Remembers: The Heroic Story of a Woman's Fight to Free Tibet. since i had other books in queue, i didn't get to reading it until i was in houston recently. (in fact, i finished several books). it's a must read! i left the book for mom.

my mom called me yesterday. she had already finished reading! i was impressed. despite extreme fatigue from chemo and intense pain from the cancer, she managed to read the book. she said it helped her forget her pains. we had a great conversation about the book, about religion, spirituality, buddhism and pain & suffering. it's conversations like that i will cherish later and yearn for when my mother is gone.

Ama Adhe's book

end of long hiatus (i need a beer)

2005-07-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

i'm back in SF and back to work. the next 4 weeks will be punctuated by more travel. first, to the annual AMI (association of medical illustators) conference, then after 2 days rest, to taipei.
my grandfather passed away recently from congestive heart failure complications, so i'll be representing my sister and myself at the funeral. anne and her husband were just in taipei to see grandpa before he died. he'd been in and out of the hospital the last 6 month, but his condition took a nosedive recently.
i've never attended a funeral of a family member. mom says the taiwanese customarily keep the deceased around for a few weeks, then pick auspicious burial days. my cousin amber (who i am closest to) has been updating me about the possible funeral dates. amber is a cardiology nurse and works in the cath lab. she recently got grandpa's old arteriograms from 5 years ago-just before his quadruple bypass at age 90! she related to me with awe about grandpa's long coronary arterial lesions. plus, grandpa had extensive atheroscelerosis and PAD (peripheral arterial disease) in his legs. despite all that grandpa lived pretty normally for the next 5 years. i believe he passed away just shy of his 95th birthday. amber told me an amusing incident with grandpa before his death. grandpa's doctors informed amber's dad to give him whatever foods he desired or craved. one day grandpa suddenly said he would really like a sip of beer, one last taste. so uncle mark (amber's dad) went to the corner store and brought back a can of beer. grandpa took a big gulp and was content. the nurses joked that mr.guo was the only privileged patient in the entire hospital who could drink beer. mmmmm beer is really that good, huh?! i'll bet a lot of guys would attest to that and have one last sip of beer as a dying wish!
"give me that goddamn beer!"

tug o' war

2005-07-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

i would really really like to add pictures to this blog, but. . .
BUT. .
a) another thing i'd have to sign up for
b) more user names, passwords, and possible spam (grrrr)
c) i'm lazy. y'gotta upload that shit

ha! there i just did it after all

Doxorubicin liposomal

2005-06-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

so my mom's relapsed in a big way pathologically, but physically i've never seen her with this much stamina. she's put herself on this specific diet for cancer sufferers. all i know is it entails this special vegetable broth concoction using burdock root, daikon leaves, and more. mom just drinks the liquids, and the house aid take the deflated veggies home to compost. in addition, mom avoids sugars and simple carbs, eats certain grains and fruits, among other restrictions. she is very strict (bordering superstition) about her diet, yet would get sudden yens for this or that; and though not hungry, i'd go with her to fulfill her cravings.
according to ACS (american cancer association) and mayo clinic, endometrial cancer is the most common female reproductive cancer, and each year there are about 40,000 new cases. yet, mom's doctor tells us most patients with advanced or recurring uterine cancer do not respond positively to chemotherapy. what are these pharma companies up to? research and development money allocations are really skewed. i guess compared to breast cancer at 200,000+ cases a year, money poured into that research can be more justified. surprisingly my mom's cancer responded to both of her chemo cycles, although the last cycle of combo drugs could have easily killed her had she not stopped midway. but then, that might explain why she's relapsed again. who knows. after the cisplatin-taxol combo (hmm or was it carboplatin-taxol? well they are similar) mom avowed never to do chemo again. but now, her choice is either to let the cancer slowly overtake her body or try chemo again. neither are particularly enticing, huh? dr. anderson emphasized mom's unexpected reponses to both drugs previously; he admitted that the team didnt think she'd survive when she was first admitted. albeit, there are no guarantees with the drug she'll get this time-doxil (doxorubicin liposomal); it would "just buy you more time." still equally depressing BUT it would put off the fear of this cancer obstructing your bowels, eating your lungs, seeping into your bones until death is imminent. i tried to put myself in my mother's shoes. with chemotherapy you look forward to utter exhaustion, constipation-cramping, nausea-vomitting, heart failure, devastatingly low blood counts, loss of appetite, kidney failure, and other lesser physical effects like alopecia and skin discoloration. pick your poison. they are both death traps eventually.

i shaved my mom's head yesterday in anticipation of the alopecia to come. she says it's easier that way so her carpet and shower drain won't be littered with hair.

pray for peace and equanimity

2005-06-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

driving back to my dad's house last night i saw a huge billboard right outside sugar land on I-59S that read "have you prayed for our troops today?" a waving flag was the background. i wanted to stop to gawk, take a picture, then deface the ad. yeah i'll pray that they come to their senses and be true heroes by becoming conscientious objectors. i've noticed a HUGE re-emergence in church advertisements and gargantuan congregational facilities in the last 2 years. the former summit arena (or compaq center) where the Rockets used to play is now an ugly church. these modern places of worship are such eyesores, like your wal-marts and sam's.
yesterday morning i went to buy cards for my grandfather's birtday. literally half the greeting cards at walgreens were related to christianity. there was even a special religious card section. i wanted to puke.

regardless of body type, gotta go for xsmall

2005-06-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

there oughta be some medical study out there that investigates organ damage, infertility or necrotic enterocolitis as a result of wearing clothing, especially pants that are 2 sizes or more too small. the county hospital in houston has endless subjects as described running amok. oh, included should also be infants born to such mothers with too-tight pants. these babies should need a total systemic function test.
images of the big Aviva (who stays with mama sunshine) from the film Palindromes come to mind.

land o' the biggin'

2005-06-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

the amount of obese people in houston compared to san francisco is tenfold. aside from the different palate and lifestyle, weather contributes to this weight problem, in my opinion. being so hot and humid, you really don't want to go out. i find myself just sitting around being sedentary. any movements result in a sweat-fest. the moment i step outside i feel suffocated. the heat slams you and boxes you in. no wonder people just get into their air-conditioned super SUVS to travel just 1/2 mile or across the street. of course it doesnt help that most places are so far apart you really do have to drive. i always feel so blah and fat when i come back. i get virtually no exercise. well, there's not much to do at mom's house. i mainly just sit and read or sit and have loud discussions with my mom regarding religion, communist china, and other controversial topics. we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. she's very black and white and tends to use extreme examples not applicable to the topic of discussion. yesterday i told her she's a poor listener. i don't think she even understood that very well. she says it's a language barrier and didnt really want to listen to me explain. my sister and i agree that she's a bad listener. a while ago, i was criticizing christian proslyetizers, then she started saying well christianity is better than communism. i wasnt even discussing communism or politics. that was not even close to my point of argument. was she listening to my points? stuff like this happens a lot. communists have no religion and are against religion, she says. i retorted i myself have no religion and dislike religion in general. am i just as bad? she didnt like that comment. oh well. . we've been debating since the ride back from the hospital. must be the long wait and confinement in an anemic lighting and artificial air. a 15-minute CT scan takes 3 hours at ben taub. that was actually shorter than we expected. well, i can't complain too much. this is free, indigent care. the staff here are wonderful and caring, but things are just disorganized and take forever. so we won't get 1st class treatment and get waited on hand-and-foot like at md anderson but at least we won't go bankrupt. besides mom's chief oncologist was trained at md anderson and still does work there.

to do

2005-06-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

Kemo Sabe (the best new band in SF) will be playing at. . .
The Stork Club :: Tuesday, June 14th @ 10pm
2330 telegraph ave., oakland
Club Deluxe :: Wednesday, June 15th @ 9 pm
1511 haight st at ashbury, SF (delicious pizza!!)

i leave for houston to see family this sunday. so far, this is what i look forward to–95º temperature and 90% humidity! yeehaw!

think, above all things

2005-06-14T00:36:00.000-07:00

"every native of every place is a potential tourist, and every tourist is a native somewhere. every native would like to find a way out. every native would like a rest. every native would like a tour; but some natives, most natives, cannot go anywhere. they're too poor to escape the realites of their lives, and they're too poor to live properly in the place where they live, which is the place you, the toursit, want to go. so when the natives see you the tourist they envy you. they envy your own ability to leave your own banality and boredom. they envy your ability to turn their banality and boredom into a source of pleasure for yourself."
-from documentary life and debt, poignant words by jamaica kincaid

free trade is not fair trade. with free trade the rich get richer, and the rest get let behind. these corporate and political slimeballs have NO conscious and only hollow compassion.
fair trade federation

damn kue

2005-06-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

i sated my yen for scrabble tonight at maggie mudd, the only late night place in my neighborhood. kent and i were amazed at the constant flow of people wanting ice-cream or shakes on a chilly, monday night. . .in june (ah, the irony). maggie mudd has the best non-dairy options for lactose rejects, like me.
i maintained my lead and eventual win with the bingo RETAINS (S was a blank tile). according to nerdy books on scrabble, those exact letters make the 6-letter stem RETINA, which generates one of the most permutations of 7-letter words in combo with another letter. some aver that the best 6-letter stem to have is SATINE, then SATIRE, followed by RETINA.

"T for Texas"

2005-06-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

can you imagine a gaunt, japanese man possibly in his mid 40s singing honky tonk music?
wednesday at club deluxe, toshio hirano performed with his bass player kenan (whom i surmise wasn't of legal drinking age yet). toshio sings old country tunes, particularly those of jimmie rodgers. he had the twang and yodeling down to a T. i was captivated. he engaged the audience and gave insight about song names and writers. toshio and bass player were called back to stage at least 3 times after trying to call it a night. they humbly delighted us with more tunes.

go taiwan!

2005-06-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

the UN world environment day (WED) took place in san francisco this year. i'm bummed i missed out on the green screen film fest. i did go to the expo at fort mason on sunday. what better way to arrive there than on bike. i was surprised, then delighted to find out that Tainan, my mother's hometown, has become a green city. the city had a booth showcasing their greening transformations and efforts to save the endangered black-faced spoonbill birds. a taiwanese man behind the booth excitedly handed me many freebies. i told him i was taiwanese and my mom was from tainan. there was also another booth touting taipei's efforts in conservation and in going greener. i'm relieved the island may delay its imminent, eventual self-destruction. the last time i was in taiwan, i was still shaking my head at all the trash and littering, pollution and waste. the KMT and greedy chinese/int'l investors have a lot to blame.

hmmm

2005-06-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

disturbing discoveries
"fuck her for being so unique, so difficult to forget, so beautiful... damn"

it's a strange world isn't it?

2005-06-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

just look around us. the media, albeit dramatized to death. michael jackson. flesh-eating bacteria. Amorphophallus titanum (corpse flower). gw as prez. fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva. bioluminescent marine creatures. the list is infinite.
blue velvet

Pleistocene sea stack

2005-05-31T22:51:00.000-07:00

goat rock
some say the "rock" got its name because goats used to graze on the rock's plateau when it was adjoined to the land. i wasnt as impressed with goat rock as i was with the nearby seastacks and the arched rock. the crashing waves and formidable wind sculpted intricate textures on the rock formations.
*gasp!*
i am MOST disappointed. i just read that goat rock was forcibly moved away from the shoreline so a parking lot could be put there! what's wrong with hiking down to relish the beaches?

sonoma here i come!

2005-05-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

the people i rent my apartment from own a fixer-upper home/cabin in Monte Rio, a town bordering the russian river in sonoma county. it's 4 miles west of guerneville. since they were going to yosemite for the long weekend, cary and i got to stay at the cabin. we had a pleasant, low-key weekend of biking, walking, laying on the beach and pontificating about the towns in the area. they seem like ordinary small towns, yet are oddly unconventional.
monte rio, 1.5 square mile in size, with a population of ~1200, 88% white. it was a strange place surrounded by fragrant redwoods and anchored by the russian river. the homes ranged from trailers to riverside cabins to luxurious creations. the people of monte rio seemed from all walks of life as well (from what i surmised)-hippies, to ultra right wing, to redneck types, and hunting/fishing/lumbering folk. one of the most notable landmarks was the quonset converted movie theatre-the Rio. it also seemed like the place to go. no matter what was playing, i was determined to patronize the theatre. cary and i saw The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on sunday night. unfortunately, the town has no noteworthy place to dine or buy groceries. everything closed early. OH! there is the ultimate bar, the Pink Elephant. we met a dude who talked about fishing and his rods for a good 45 minutes. bless that woman who finally saved me from collapsing of ennui!
guerneville (formerly, stumptown), a great curiosity of a place with a population of ~2500, spanning 3.3 square miles. it's one of the gayest cities in the US, believe it or not. pleasantly i didnt espy any fast food and restaurant chains nor any starbucks. they did have a cool, independent Coffee Bazaar. gay bars, gay resorts and gay men abound. to our disappointment, Main Street Station was the only eatery open past 9pm. we already had a displeasing experience there for lunch with poor service and less than mediocre food for the price.
duncans mill, even with a population of ~410 there is Gold Coast Coffee and Bakery, with tasty danishes, strong coffee and a sunny patio. it's a refreshing 3-mile bike ride from monte rio along the redwood-lined moscow road.

COURAGES

2005-05-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

kent and i had two rounds of scrabble on saturday. what nerds we are. i had a record high score of 453 (even after subtracting 10 for the leftover Q) and 3 bingos! (a bingo in scrabble means you play all 7 tiles). what luck. some days i have such difficulty seeing the bingos, but the scrabble gods (as coined by kent) were with me. i found out that you can pluralize COURAGE to make COURAGES. i also played PROLINES and THROUGH. for the last 3 games, Kent has consistently played a bingo on his first play! luckily, i managed to catch up in the end to win.

speaking of words, i recently received The Word Lover's Dictionary: Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words from a friend in dallas. cary and i leafed through it gawking and laughing at some of the words. of course i looked for scrabble-friendly words. AGNOIOLOGY is the study of ignorance. DEXTROSINISTRAL describes my sister very well. it's defined as being "naturally left-handed but trained to use the right hand in writing. "

here's my latest contribution to the limerick OED:

Your low fat, low cholesterol diet's gone off-track,
Now your arteries are clogged and full of plaque.
They call this atherosclerosis,
A disease that is quite atrocious,
You're at greater risk for stroke and heart attack.

the aorta, kinda sorta?

2005-05-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

the OED (oxford english dictionary) now has a poetic competitor- the OEDILF, Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form. cary sent me a link for it a couple weeks ago. it took me to the definition of AORTA. i personally found all but one of the definitions to be quite lame and not very informative. why would people try to rhyme "aorta"?? all 4 entries used "sorta" to rhyme with aorta. (i'm being a word snob, aren't i?) since my company practically revamped our entire cardiology line, i have drawn so many aortas in the past couple of years. i decided to write my own definition of aorta for submission:

the aorta, a huge pipe that branches like weeds,
carries the blood your body desperately needs,
heart to aorta blood flows and goes,
to your organs, brain, fingers and toes.
when damaged with plaque, it balloons and bleeds.

dreißig

2005-05-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

i've officially turned 30. i don't "feel" like 3 decades old. should i act more responsible and don more appropriate attire? since reaching the quarter of a century mark i've regressed more and more.

birthdays are strange for me. it gives me paradoxial emotions. who doesnt get excited or giddy upon receiving a present? i'm particularly excited when my parents remember. a 5-day proximity is usually good enough. this year both parents forgot. mom actually remembered last year (maybe it was because i was in houston). well, my dad and stepmom did call and leave a message today but i know that was because my sister told them to. they happened to stop in LA on their way to Taipei. anne's birthday last month was forgotten too. oh well, no hard feelings. this is typical.
in my family birthdays are for the elderly. . .like grandpa because he's had a full life and you do it out of respect- a true celebration of one's life. for a little speck of dust like me who hasnt done much good for society, what's the point of celebrating my birth? way back when, it was to the extent of hating that i was even born because life sucked oh so much. but, you know, that's adolescent stuff. if anything, my parents would give my sister and i money, which is better than presents. in a good way, they enstilled the notion that it's not all about getting gifts and being materialistic. they, too, didn't care for their own birthdays nor expected us to give them anything. my sister and i never fussed for the latest blinking cabbage patch doll or the barbie bake set. it was a bit straining growing up in a culture where such things are normal and expected, where parents throw their kids big birthday bashes and want you to shower them with cool gifts, and where people make a point to inquire what gifts you received, as if it was a value of your worth. this bothered me.
i have nothing against giving people birthday gifts, especially people i am fond of and it makes me happy to get something i think they'd like, to show i appreciate them and value their friendship blah blah. yet it's weird for myself. you're excited to get something but then feel a little guilty that the person had to spend X amount of money. what sucks is when you feel obliged to give that horrible boss a present cuz you have to. it just takes the fun out of giving. luckily i have the coolest boss.

don't miss

2005-05-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

Kemo Sabe (a trio of rowdy, zany musicians on guitar, mandolin, and stand-up bass) plays at Argus Lounge this coming monday, may 9th about 10pm. the show will be totally awesome! i hear from men and women that the mandolin player is one of the most handsome men you'll ever set eyes on.
they play again on monday, may 23rd at the same place, if you can't make the latter.

KEMO SABE
monday, may 9th and 23rd @10pm
$3-5 sliding scale (the bandmembers get what ya pay, so up the ante)
Argus Lounge
3187 Mission (@ Valencia)
San Francisco

in the name of mother earth

2005-04-30T17:21:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking about religious fanatics, religion, god this and that lately. i planned on writing about how if there is a god, he or she is evil. i was lazy and that entry has not materialized. it is now being combined with this current entry.

i saw 'black friday' this past wednesday. it's a long film chronicling the serial bombay bombings in march 12, 1993 and is based on the book written about this tragedy. in 'retaliation' for hindu riots in bombay (now mumbai) that murdered and raped many innocent muslims, a group of angry muslims under the guidance of tiger memon shook up the city by detonating some 13 bombs in succession over a couple hours, leaving over 300 dead. in one of the questioning-the-arrestee scenes, the head police investigator avered that "anyone who kills innocent civilians in the name of religion is a big idiot. . . that whether hindu or muslim, we have the same god." (i didnt quote him word for word, but you get the gist) i was rather surprised to hear that from a hindu officer. he was portrayed as a level-headed, moral law enforcer. in response to the arrestee saying allah was on their side that friday, that they got their revenge.. blah blah.. the officer argued that god was not on the bombers' side that day because, otherwise he would not have made so many arrests, etc. i was under the impression that most all government workers in south and SE asia are corrupt.

right before seeing black friday, i was just thinking about how if there was a god, he or she or it is a cruel, heartless, bellicose god. ironically, it seems the most cruel are the most fervishly religious.. .the machine-gun toting orthodox jews of israel.. the shotgun loving redneck bigot christian.. the bomb-loving fundamental muslim. these people portray themselves as being so close to god (that they also seem to lose all rational and logical thought). if elohim condones the jews to kill their neighboring palestinians in the name of judaism then god is truly evil. if allah allows holy jihad as a sacrifice of blood of thousand of innocent lives then god is truly evil. though judaism, christianity, and islam are "dogmatically at odds with each other, they have more in common than they realize." i could go on and on. oh i left out the fanatical christians who devote their lives going on missions for god to convert people. these christians have no respect for other's unique culture and beliefs. they are so disillusioned to think that their way is the only way. i was so disappointed to near disgust to find out that in a most remote part of china near the tea-horse road, half the peasants are catholic! we can all be spiritual and religious in our own ways. why compartmentalize so distinctly? why argue who's is better? why not just funnel our energies into bettering ourselves rather than argue whose god is more superior or righteous. .or as it seems to me, whose god is most vicious and willing to shed blood and cause suffering as to be most superior. and if god exists, then there is only one, one who is laughing at us now.

earth day

2005-04-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

be kind to the earth and its inhabitants

forever inhumane humans

2005-04-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

to add to the daily atrocities against palestinians. . .
the other day another pregnant woman at full term was prohibited to pass an israeli checkpoint. she went into labor and was forced to give birth right there. well, the baby died. i consider this murder. the soldiers should be prosecuted. but of course, this incident is nothing to the israeli government; it's just another leaf blowing in the wind.
then i hear about the dumping of sewerage and toxic waste at the already dismal palestian campsites. not only is this an extreme health hazard, it's a violation of international law. it's a deliberate slow-killing of innocent people.
how can people be so evil? it's everywhere. .this contagion. how can such a religious ethnic group be so evil. religious fervor has to boundries or limits to the evils it can carry out as long as its perverse religiosity reigns and perseveres.

gas tank bass

2005-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

i went to see split lip rayfield two days in a row last weekend. friday night at the american music hall and saturday night at the sweetwater (in miill valley). cary turned me on to them. i can see where his band kemo sabe gets some of their inspiration. split lip consists of a straight-faced mandolin player, a frenetic guitarist, a stoned-out banjoist, and an animated one-stringed bassist. all play their instruments extremely well. i don't know enough about music and music genres to write some sort of snazzy show review, but having studied piano for 10 years i can confidently detect tight, complex instrumentation. acoustic musicians who don't fall into the traditional classical or jazz genres tend to have a greater challenge in breaking through or riling up listeners. it's awesome when they can. acoustic instruments when orchestrated together well, give off a different, fresher color than the usual electric, techie stuff. i love when bands like belle and sebastian or scrabbel mix in a myriad of instruments like violin, triangle, cello, theramin and more. there's just something snazzier and more refreshing to look forward to when a band moves away from the expected electric guitars, drums, or keyboards. of course the music itself has to be decent!
hail to kemo sabe. (they need a website)

postnasal drip and more

2005-04-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

i realize i havent 'blogged' in a week or more. i blame it on laziness. there is always something to write about, albeit mundane. well today i am home with a terrible cold, so i've got all day to type. i hate being sick- just the feeling of being sick; it's so uncomfortable. even if i bitch about work, i'd rather go to work than be incapacitated. it's better to take a sick day when you are not sick so you can get things you wanted to get done done or go bask in the sun on a pleasant day. maybe i contracted unfavorable germs during this weekend's outings. i distinctly recall a couple people coughing in my direction, and i drank from water cups that may not have been mine.

i downed some disgusting sleep-inducing cold medication (the kind you put in warm water) last night and leafed through readymade magazine until the drowsiness kicked in. i think i was asleep by 8:30. unfortunately it wasnt the best sleep. i got up to pee 4 times, i was still chilled even with a tanktop, 2 long-sleeved shirts, & socks, and i had to evacuate much mucus throughout the night. i think it's a good sign that my mucus still retains a watery consistency. thick, yellow-green mucus is bad. ironically, i just finished illustrating cilia, mucus, and mucosal lining for sinusitis and bronchitis brochures.

ides of april

2005-04-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

i've procrastinated doing my taxes long enough. i have less than 2 days. tonight after i type this short entry i will attack those wretched figures and weep after seeing how much i still owe even though clearly 34% of my salary goes to taxes. i'd happily pay taxes if i knew where my money was going, if i could have a say in what i want to fund. seeing how the military budget has increased while very important things like educational and social programs decreased, it is evident what my tax dollars are funding. yes, i am incensed, but i'm too cowardly to join the brave resistors who refuse to pay taxes.

i decided to force myself to complete my taxes tonight and prepared to sit here with a good cup of yerba mate. incidently, while filling my cd changer (i need good music too) my half water-half soymilk liquid for my tea completely boiled over. i ran over to remove the pot immediately. this is the 2nd time i've done this. how do i clean the liquid that has seeped underneath the stovetop? then i discovered that i can actually lift up the top part of the burner! amazing. i was glad to delay the taxes more and proceeded to clean beneath the stovetop meticulously.

my tea is starting to cool. off to confront those dreaded numbers. thank goodness for turbotax.

music to your ears

2005-04-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

the Lee Maverick Band will be playing Tuesday, April 11 at the Cherry Bar, 10 pm. i hear they will draw you in or drive you away. worth a peep.

Cherry Bar & Lounge
917 Folsom Street

primavera

2005-04-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

will april showers
really bring may flowers, or
will i pull more weeds?

enlightening evening

2005-04-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

last night we listened to Amy Goodman, host of democracy now! speak at the palace fine arts, as part of her and her brother David's 'un-embed the media' tour. it was a very insightful and inspiring evening. i must not discount the other equally powerful speakers including devorah major (SF poet laureate & writer), david goodman, and javier couso (brother of josé couso, cameraman murdered by US military's strike against hotel palestine) & his interpreter.
miss devorah major performed with verve and grace a few poignant and vivid spoken word/poetry pieces, touching on the horrors of war, the empty iraqi shoes that remain without flesh and bone, envisioning peace, and more.
i was suprised and delighted by a long sneak preview to the new documentary Hotel Palestine: killing the witness. the film tries to investigate the truth behind the sudden attack on the hotel palestine. such a strike is also a stike against all independent journalists and media around the world. the documentary screens this tuesday at New College on valencia. after the 30 minute excerpt, Javier Couso-brother of one of the journalist killed, spoke about his brother Jose and gives some political insight, personal accounts, and details of the april 8th attack to the reuters balcony stationed at the palestine hotel. javier is touring around the US in efforts to start an independent investigation to determine whether the independent journalists were deliberately targeted by our military.
David Goodman spoke about their book The Exception to the Rulers, read a couple excerpts, and reinforced the need for independent, un-embedded media. he sited personal examples of stories we will never hear about on corporate-owned tv.
finally, Amy Goodman spoke last. i've seen her picture and hear her frequently on democracy now. even my mom commented on how clearly and effective amy's voice was on radio. (when in houston, i was usually tuned into kpft during long drives to and from the hospital). it was an honor to hear her speak in person- to match the voice with a countenance. she's a wonderful speaker- captivating, funny, enlightening, and personable. amy spoke about politics and the powerful corporate media, the need for independent and unaffected media, and shared anecdotes and comparisons (including one about the shiavo coverage! ha! i was delighted to hear that. cary was, too, i'm sure)
at times like these, i (and others i'm sure) can become easily jaded and hopeless. surely i can't change anything; no one will listen; we are doomed. yet, people like amy and david goodman or javier couso keep on trekking. it's inspiring and hopeful.

being hopeful .. .The Exception to the Rulers: Exposing Oily Politicians, War Profiteers, and the Media that Love Them is a national bestseller! out of curiosity, i went to see what amazon had to say. i was surprised to see 49 customer reviews, giving the book an average rating of 5.5/6 stars! most books i'm curious about are lucky to have 5 reviews. i'm not encouraging people to buy from amazon though. try your local independent bookstore (not barnes or borders).
Democracy Now!
Pacifica Radio
Global Exchange
José Couso

it's about time

2005-03-31T09:25:00.000-08:00

i used to listen to npr more often. nowadays, i may tune in on weekends for wait, wait don't tell me, this american life and car talk and occasionally when on a rare chance i find the music on kpfa disinteresting. well, it seemed everytime i tuned into npr in the last 2 weeks i hear countless reportings about that shiavo case. they would repeat the same broadcast every 30 minutes it seemed. very annoying. so, i wrote a commentary to SF npr, which i'm sure they would find offensive. certainly i don't expect a reply or it being read on-air!
my commentary:
"i'm really annoyed that ya'll wasted so so much airtime over the shiavo case since the inception of that ordeal. the mainstream media totally over-dramatized it and i'm disappointed that you npr did the same. it's horrible to say that i'm glad she's finally passed on so i can hear about more important ongoings of the world."

confession

2005-03-29T22:19:00.000-08:00

retracted

procrastination no. IV

2005-03-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

last year, a friend recommended an interesting read- Roland Barthe's "A Lover's Discourse." in the past i've always poo-pooed the concept of love. especially in college i was quite anti-love; i was the cynical, bitter soul. well i wasn't exactly as anti-love as i portrayed myself, but merely questioning the looseness of the term. .its paradoxial significance and insignificane for me as relating to the romantic forms. a reveiw of Barthe's book describes it as such: 'Barthes never attempts to give us a uniform narrative about love. Instead, as the title implies, he provides us with fragments--some of which come from literature and some from his own philisophical musings--of a lover's point of view. Since childhood, we are taught to think of love as a singualar entity. Whether it is God's love, marriage, passion, or patriotism, we are taught to think of love as a unique, and exclusive prize. But as Barthes' points out, love is built upon fragments, many of which are mundane.'

a few "fragments" from Barthe's Discourse::
(on Waiting)
Am I in love? -- Yes, since I am waiting. The other never waits. Sometimes I want to play the part of the one who doesn't wait; I try to busy myself elsewhere, to arrive late; but I always lose at this game: whatever I do, I find myself there, with nothing to do, punctual, even ahead of time. The lover's fatal identity is precisely: I am the one who waits.
A mandarin fell in love with courtesan. "I shall be yours," she told him. "when you have spent a hundred nights waiting for me, sitting on a stool, in my garden, beneath my window." But on the ninety ninth night, the mandarin stood up, put up his stool under his arm, and went away.
[that reminds me of Cinema Paradiso where Salvatore waited outside his love interest Elena's window for countless nights in rain, cold and tiredness. in the end he won her heart, well kind of.]

Dark Glasses (The amorous subject wonders, not whether he should declare his love to the loved being, but to what degree he should conceal the turbulence of his passion: his desires, his distresses; in short, his excesses.)
...Yet, to hide a passion totally (or even to hide, more simply, its excess) is inconceivable: not because the human subject is too weak, but because passion is in essence made to be seen: the hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding something from you, that is the active paradox I must resolve: at one and the same time it must be known and not known: I want you to know that I don't want to show my feelings: that is the message I address to the other. I advance pointing to my mask: I set a mask upon my passion, but with a discreet (and wily) finger I designate this mask.

[i should be drawing veins and arteries for work. a deadline looms..but, oh, distractions are so enticing!]

bulimic cat (limerick)

2005-03-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

there lives a deranged, barrel-chested feline named kitty,
who was taken in by a strange but kind lass out of pity,
suddenly the cat developed a voracious appetite,
and would meow and meow for food without respite,
but once fed she'd heave and vomit the vittles with great intensity.

how 'bout a different literary form?
[A limerick is a five-line poem written with one couplet and one triplet, the rhyme pattern being a a b b a. "Some people say that the limerick was invented by soldiers returning from France to the Irish town of Limerick in the 1700's. Limericks are meant to be funny. They often contain hyperbole, onomatopoeia, idioms, puns, and other figurative devices. The last line of a good limerick contains the punchline."]

poetic feet (and feat)

2005-03-23T20:28:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine from college recently started his own blog- desiboy and opened up his own law firm. looking for a new job had deemed challenging, so he started his own business in dallas, texas. vishal even whipped up t-shirts with the desiboy logo to announce his blog. maybe one will come for his firm, too! i was surprised he has a link to my silly ol' blog. i only told him about mine when he asked me about blog software. only a handful even know this exists and only a couple of kind souls read what i blather on about. bless your heart!

haiku #3

rah, the clouds seem dry
perchance sunlight may forge through?
still waiting for Spring

i suddenly had an urge to write haikus lately after seeing a hilarious short called "the tale of haiku jones" at the recent SF Int'l Asian American Film Festival. haiku jones is obsessed with writing haikus and his friend Epic Poem Eric (formerly Sonnet Eric) obsesses over epics.

overactive parotid glands

2005-03-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

i have slight allergies to pineapples and kiwis. i love to eat both though. i just devoured a bowlful of fresh pineapples. YUM! my nose is sweating profusely as i type; my tongue feels raw from the digestive enzymes in the fruit; i'm feeling rather hot. i probably shouldn't have eaten so much. just seeing the pineapple sitting on the kitchen counter made my parotid glands go berzerk. by the time i was nearly done cutting off the rind i had a mouthful of saliva.
i tried to search what allergy-causing components these fruits may have. well, many people are allergic to citrus, which a pineapple is, but i have no problems with other citrus fruits. perhaps i have a sensitivity to the bromelain. as for kiwis, i just read that the "kiwi fruit has been recognized as a food allergen for over 20 years." wow, i never knew that. another interesting fact is that kiwi allergy is also associated with latex allergy. apparently, many of the proteins that cause latex allergy are also found in certain fruits, vegetables, and nuts. in addition to kiwifruit, other allergens could include passion fruit, cherries, potatoes, papaya, banana, avocado, fig, peaches and chestnut. although i have a laundry list of allergies, latex is not one of them.

falling aslant

2005-03-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

oh immortal rain,
tapping against my window
where is the warm Spring?

HAIKU // n. pl. haiku, also hai·kus
A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.

ode to the chicken

2005-03-21T10:54:00.001-08:00

yesterday, march 20th, marked the first time i intentionally ate meat in 15 1/2 years. it was also the first day of spring. i'm still alive and didnt experience any adverse gastrointestinal pains or mental pangs. throughout the years, i've had the occasional shrimp chip or the accidental biting into meat (but usually spitting out).

on the way back to SF from la habra-l.a. cary and i stopped in fresno to visit his great-aunt Trink. she's 97 and spry with a mind clear as a bell! what a full life she's had. Trink showered us with gastronomical goodies. it's quite embarrassing when you think that a 97-year old lady cooked and served you cookies and coffee. she even baked a casserole-Cary's Casserole, with chicken breast. i didnt really want to explain to a 97-year old that i was a vegetarian and why blah blah. . after she went through all the trouble. plus she wasnt expecting me and it'd be rude to reject her kind intentions. if i did, then she'd probably try to make something else to accomodate my dietary needs. i managed to spit some meat out as i "wiped" my mouth but then it just became too difficult. so, i ate some chicken! it wasn't much and to my surprise i wasn't freaked out about it. before i became vegetarian, chicken was the only meat i preferred to eat. at least i didnt have to eat steak or pork chop.
i enjoyed listening to Trink talk about her joys and tribulations. she's outlived most of her immediate family and nearly all her sorority sisters. i have such fears of growing old and can't imagine living so long, seeing so much change in society and culture. i'd be so disappointed with the self-centeredness and avarice. life seemed purer and simpler back then, though more arduous. Trink told us her dream was to work in a drug store or be a druggist. and she did just that. eventually her and her husband opened their own drug store. if only we didnt make our lives so complicated. i've been trying to pare down my lifestyle and material desires in the recent years and to make a conscious effort to be less high-strung. balance and equanimity are hard to attain: to be socially aware yet not become too tormented by the minutiae of those issues; to be at ease but not complacent or nonchalant; to question and doubt but not be overly negative or cynical
there's a lot to think about during long drives through rural expanses, especially when there's darkness and rain.
how does it feel to know that death can strike at any moment? well you don't have to be old to have that anticipation. anyone can face unexpected death this second. most of us just don't worry about that. in fact, the minute we are born, we are facing death and anticipating death. we live to die, but to die later than sooner. so why live? i have no clue though i think about this often. that's one reason people embrace religion- to give meaning to life. i do live for something even without religion.

take action

2005-03-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

woo-hoo! the wireless network from upstrairs is up and running again. i haven't been able to access the internet from home for the last few days. this just gives me more opportunity to update my bloggie. i prefer not to blog at work.

amazingly, i have not fallen flat on my face yet. i have to wait for the 2 loads of laundry to finish before i can officially get into bed. i fear that if i get into bed before my laundry has dried, i may not get back up again until the next morning. i don't feel any more sleepier than yesterday.

on a more somber note. . .this saturday marks 2 years in iraq. .yes 2 year! it's unbelieveable. has that much time lapsed? violence there still heightens daily. are we ever getting out? what are we still doing there? gas prices keep rising. massive demonstrations are scheduled in san francisco on saturday. i'm bummed that i won't be able to participate. cary and i are driving to los angeles and area friday. we're going to catch body worlds II before it closes end of march. i'll definitely audaciously display my political opinions of this amoral war and occupation in iraq and other nations while attending exhibit. anne lives in orange county, so we'll surely be leftist minorities.
what was i doing when the war officially started? i do recall it being like some huge theatrical debut. ah, i remember participating in many protests preceding the war, specifically on M15 when i got arrested with group of people. the police tactic was to block you in and arrest you after pretending to give a "dispersal order." actually, we were told to get on the sidewalk or face arrest, yet we were cornered by police while on the sidewalk in front of Zain's liquor on 3rd street. i believe most protesters caught up in mass arrests in subsequent demonstrations were charged with "failure to disperse." nearly all such charges were thrown out later by the court. the pigs may or may not call out the order audibly and if so, only give you 5 seconds to disperse. i attended so many protests throughout that year. i'd paint elaborate signs, make patches, and kept informed on the atrocities overseas. slowly, i became more jaded and discouraged again. the protesting seemed useless. when i'd go back to houston i'd realize how unique san francisco was. in a way, you were disillusioned that people did care and just maybe you were making a difference and being heard....because outside of SF no one really cared. now i just read headlines of this and that suicide bombing, of this many civilians and children murdered by our troops.
will this all end? it'll end when the world finally gives out and self-destructs. then, maybe, we can begin anew.

sleep deprivation

2005-03-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

normally if have pressing deadlines at work requiring me to bring stuff home, i'd diligently go straight home, sulk for an hour or 2 for having to waste an evening bound to the computer or drafting table, then get straight to drawing. yesterday was one of those days where i absolutely had to finish a couple of illustrations by the next morning or else i'm fucked. i did finish, but in a rather hedonistic and masochistic fashion. after work i coerced cary to seeing a rather girly taiwanese flick, 20:30:40, at the kabuki as part of the asian film fest. afterwards we went to late happy hour at Bar. my friends have started a regular tuesday night meet-up there.
typically by now i'd be having secret panic attacks and exhibiting strange, fidgety behavior. yet, i was quite mellow even knowing deep in some sulci of my brain that the night will not end until the sun starts to reemerge. maybe i was more sedated than usual because i slept 4 hours the night before. whatever the reason i managed to stay at the bar until after midnight. as long as i had at least 4 hours to finish the spermatogenesis and varicocele drawings. otherwise. i'd be in severe panic mode. i think the balance of being with someone not nearly as high strung as i has muffled some of my anxieties.
by 5:40am i crawled into bed to seek the great oblivion of sleep and warmth.

i don't know why end up doing this every few months. all or near-all nighters are supposed to be characteristics of student or freelance life. i aver to perhaps 10 all nighters in my 4 years at this job and countless near-all-nighters. will i be able to keep this up now that i'm nearly 30?